fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
