Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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