he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
