My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
