hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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