The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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