Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize