girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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