I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
