I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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