She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
its liver damage thursday
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
