No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
