DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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