He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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