the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize