Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
