Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Couch. On fire.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
