also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
