Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
