I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
