I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
