I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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