Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm really busy with my period
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