So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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