Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
