I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize