I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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