Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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