take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
