I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
