The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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