There is no way he is gay with that hair.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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