tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
