So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so let's talk penis.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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