How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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