dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we made out on top of his cat.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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