if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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