Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize