So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
