a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
