So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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