Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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