There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
