She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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