I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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