Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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