Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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