How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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