My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
