Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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