I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
