I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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