so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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