She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
