my phone needs a breathalizer
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
