Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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