i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
