Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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