Will you blow on my dice?
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
