I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
