I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
