WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
