I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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