What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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