I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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