Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
